So I am in an angry troll kind of mood.

Ethan had his second urodynamics test today, but I could not go because we had an emergency at work (it is 7:15pm as I write this…I am still at work…waiting for customer confirmation).  The Urodynamics test is by far the most invasive test ever conceived of and I feel like a crappy dad for not being there.

Then I found out the results.  His bladder pressure is up.  He is only emptying a 1/3 of his bladder.  We are going to start catheterizations (cathing).  I guess I should feel lucky that we got to age 7 without cathing.  But right now I am just mad at the world.

Ethan took the news pretty well, but I am not sure he fully understands the dealio. 

I told Jenn she could bribe him with anything up to $100 to take the test without being pinned down.  He complied.  It only cost us $38 (a batting helmet, a new bat, a new ball, and an Oriels jersey).  I don’t deserve him.

Tomorrow I will probably be depressed.  Today I am pissed.

Today I had to inform a couple of team members that they were being transferred to other departments (I hate delivering bad news…I am no Lynn Russell).  Change she is a coming.  I myself am on the cusp of some fairly radical career changes.  My whole division is going through a massive reorganization.  For the moment, I am on “the winning” side, but that kind of thing can change overnight.  My fear is that I am being promoted to the point of my own incompetence.  Right now I manage a team of 10.  If all goes through as planned, I will have a team of roughly 30.  Eeek, that is a lot of people.  I must be nuts for accepting the additional responsibility.  It is not a promotion.  I don’t get any more pay or benefits.  But I do increase the likelihood of an early heart attack.  So I have that going for me.

So I have been a under the weather of late.  Every morning I came into work and I barely had the energy to do my job.  On top of that I had a nasty cough that made my whole chest hurt.

This has been going on for weeks and I was starting to get really concerned.  In my hypochondriac mind, I was sure I had lung cancer. 

Then yesterday, it got worse, to the point that I could not work.  I went home and tried to sleep it off.  The weird thing was that I only felt sick at work.  Jenn said I sounded like I was having an asthma attack…and Albuterol did help.

Then it occurred to me.  This all started about the same time I bought a basil plant from the local farmers market.  Yesterday morning, the plant was looking shaggy, so I pruned it back.  The plant’s smell (pleasant as it was) was very powerful and coincided with my illness. 

So this morning when I came in, I immediately moved the plant to another part of the building.  Hallelujah, I am healed. 

So Basil, I have your number.  Sure you are a tasty seasoning, but you are also a weapon of limited destruction.  Bad bad basil.

Well today is Chuck E. Cheese day.  Why?  Ethan is 7 years old today.  Actually as I write this post, it is to the minute of his birth.

Ethan has changed my life in so many ways for the better.  Since he has come into my life, I am a better person.  He lights up a room, when he comes in.  His creativity astounds me.  He is just a great kid.  Period.

Happy Birthday Ethan!

Last night I finished a Star Wars novel (Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader).  OK, I can hear the groans through my monitor.  It is cheap pulp Sci-FI, but I can sometimes pull meaning out of a Huggies commercial, so go figure.

I am fascinated by the character of Darth Vader. 

When I was a kid, I thought Darth Vader was pretty much the scariest dude ever conceived.  Rotten to the core, he deserved to be hated.  However as more of the story comes out, it is clear that Darth Vader is a sad tragic villain who made a couple of really bad choices. 

That is what I find fascinating: I think everyone has the seeds of evil in their life.  In the context of the book that I have just read, evil is having a goal that so consumes a person to the extent that anything done to achieve that goal is moral in the eyes of the individual.  The faulty logic being that anything done to bring about a moral goal is in and of itself moral.

The goal itself may be laudable or even objectively good, but pursued to the extreme it becomes evil.  In the book I was reading the emperor and Darth Vader had very simple goals.  The emperor wanted to bring peace and stability to an often chaotic and bureaucratic government.  Vader wanted to save his wife at all costs.  Both goals are noble, but both characters were undone in their pursuit of their goals.

We can easily look at the world today and see examples of the same kind of flawed logic.  I think everyone can universally agree that terrorism is a bad thing.  But some of the tactics we as a people have embraced to end terrorism come very close to a dangerous line, a line that I think has been crossed on occasion.  But that is not where I want to conclude.

What scares me is how easily I(me, Ben) can be ruthless and by definition evil.  As I have mentioned in the past, my son struggles with medical issues.  Wanting to get him the best care available is a primary goal in my life.  Now I think that is an excellent goal.  But the tactics I have used to achieve that goal have resulted in some rather ugly behavior.  It scares me how often I have crossed the line. 

Now before you say, “oh, it was just stress”, let me give a little peak.  I was arguing with my insurance company that was previously located in the World Trade Center.  To the best of my recollection the words out of my mouth were, “I hope the next plane gets you.”

If that was the only time in my life that I had crossed the line, I would feel a little better.  But it is just one mild example.  I have been lucky.  My actions have not resulted in any serious damage (to my knowledge).

All of that to say, I do not think there are many people who are corrupt to the core.  But I think that in the pursuit of good, we all have the potential to become monsters.

Life can take you some unexpected places.  When I was a kid, I always dreamed of getting a house in my parents’ neighborhood when I grew up.  My sister always looked to more distant horizons.  She was the bold one who went to school out of state.  I was the one who went to Junior College and only went out of state after she had blazed the trail.  I graduated from an out of state college, but only after withdrawing every year and then re-enrolling in the fall.  Family and Colorado was core to my identity.

Yet in an odd twist of fate, I am the one who ended up living on the other side of the country and my sister lives two blocks away from my parents. 

Now I love where I live now.  Virginia is beautiful and Ashburn is like living in a country club.  I have an awesome wife and a great kid.  But one thing is sadly missing, family.  I only have one cousin who lives in driving distance of my house (and I met her last year at my grandmother’s funeral).  Most of my family, both genetic and extended, lives in the west.

That is why this summer is such a treat.  My sister-in-law is staying with us for the summer.  She is officially the nanny to Ethan during the summer, but it would be nice even if she just hung out.  There is just something about family.  Friends are good, but family has some immeasurable quality that just cannot be quantified.

I am a happy camper.

Clearly I have died and went to Hades (try to contain your shock).  It is 99 in Virginia.  That is hot.  Not California Hot.  Not Washington Hot.  Not Colorado Hot.  This is the pit of Hades.  The humidity is roughly 3000%.  I think I will go visit Africa to cool off.

To add insult to injury, one of our AC units is on the fritz.

Why should you care?  I am glad you asked.  Because the universe revolves around me and my personal comfort.  Phew…glad I got that off my chest.

Now get me a lemonade before I cast you all down to my domain.

Yesterday was Ethan’s clinical appointment day.  Thanks to my new best friend Maggie (our GPS); we made it to DC Children’s in record time (45 minutes). 

After waiting for about a half hour they took us to our room.  The cool thing about Children’s is that they have a flat screen TV in every room.  So in addition to a backpack full of toys for the day, we packed Star Wars movies.  Ethan and I were like pigs in slop.  Jenn, the more evolved family member, read her book.  Judging from the cover it was one of those renaissance books with women in frilly dresses pining for some guy in stockings who is dying of consumption.

No Earth shattering news…which is great news.  He does have to have another urodynamics test (another day).  But hey, who wouldn’t want a tube shoved up to their bladder and then pumped full of liquid until they almost explode.  Good times. 

At one point during his appointments, I almost laughed at an inappropriate time.  It is all part of being me.  The urologist was doing his physical exam and he noted that his penis was “unremarkable”.  To a man this is the equivalent to stabbing him in the eye with an ice pick.  Unremarkable indeed!

So yesterday afternoon we were going to celebrate Jenn’s birthday since on her real B-day we are going to be at the clinic all day.  Then we remembered, we had a membership meeting that we had to attend at our new church.  Normally, I would not have rushed into membership.  But since Jenn is on staff, I figured it was probably a good move.

Now this was a 4 hour class, but it was not the first class.  We had attended an 8 hour class a month prior.  Now we had a class at my old church.  It was 4 hours and I thought it was a bit much, but this takes the cake.  The funny thing is: we are transferring our membership.  It is not like we just converted or something.  But we passed.

It does not really mean I am any more fit for church membership than the average schlub.  It just means I have an iron butt capable of sitting for hours on end.

Blessed are the big butt’ed for they shall achieve membership.

At one point I had to tone down my rhetoric.  I have been in the church all of my life, went to a Bi-eyeballCollege, and served on every committee ever conceived by man or beast.  I know church jargon and can vomit forth platitudes on demand.  The leader got this far off weepy mystical look whenever I answered a question.  It was like a pit bull looking at a pork chop.  In my head I was thinking, “Oh bless her heart, she does not have a clue at how cynical and jaded I am.”  Any semblance of sincerity was lost the day I first dilated my kid.  (don’t ask…YOU REALLY DO NOT WANT TO KNOW).

So now I can join.  I will get my Methodist Express Card.  I am qualified to make a casserole.

This week we have our Spina Bifida clinic appointment (they accept VACTERL patients too).  He sees 5 specialists all at once.  It is bound to be a multi-dread week.  First of all, the only appointment we could get was on Jenn’s birthday, ugh.  Two and three are more serious matters.

They took hip x-rays at his last appointment.  He gate is getting more unsteady and he has been falling a lot.  His scoliosis is probably getting worse as is his hip alignment is not ideal.  Hopefully neither will require some mid-evil intervention.

Lastly, his neurogenic <sp?> bladder.  Thus far we have gotten away with not catheterizing him.  But we are concerned our luck may be running out.  He has nearly 90% urinary continence.  But the 10% is of concern, especially as he approaches send grade.  His occasional accidents have gone unnoticed at school thus far, but I am sure our luck will not hold out another year.

Tuesday=Bluesday…more later.